Rantings of a sub-editor

March 3, 2010

Company rules

Filed under: Substuff says... — substuff @ 10:21 am
Tags: ,
  1. You WILL treat the Refrigerator with the utmost reverence. Approach it cautiously; do not startle it. Placate the Refrigerator by making it small offerings of food and milk. Attach to these your name and possibly a short message of devotion using the labels provided – this way the Refrigerator will be better equipped to decide who should go to heaven and who to hell. THOSE NOT FOLLOWING THESE SIMPLE GUIDELINES WILL HAVE THEIR OFFERINGS REGURGITATED INTO THE BIN AND WILL BE CONDEMNED TO STARVATION FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE DAY.
  2. On a three-weekly basis, you WILL provide the Blood bank with three pints of Blood. These will be stored in the company cellars and used in the event of your death to grow a replacement work drone.*
  3. YOU WILL BUY CAKE FOR CHARITY. And you will eat it and you will like it. The Cake will be served from a Mobile Cake Distributor, which will visit every desk to ensure all employees fully participate in the Cake Eating Event. Any protest or attempt not to eat Cake will be met with immediate beration.
  4. You WILL give 20% of your annual salary to Raffles. This will be regulated by the two Raffle Warriors. The company reserves the right to have one of them hold you down while the other empties your wallet. It is necessary for the Raffle Warriors to squawk at top volume throughout this process, as this is deemed a fitting means of worship for the Raffle.
  5. You WILL be grateful for the use of the company Fun Bus in getting to and from work, even if the bus does not have enough seats for you to actually USE it. Note also that no ‘Fun’ will be had on the aforementioned Bus. Additionally, staff will at all times remember that it is a privilege to work in such a scenic region and that they are lucky to get any help at all from the company in getting to the office, even though it is in the middle of nowhere and Sir Ranulph Fiennes himself would think twice about walking to it from the station.
  6. You WILL be on standby at all times to provide a Phone Charger. At any moment, a company-wide email may circulate because someone, somewhere in the building, is in desperate need of a Phone Charger. It is essential that employees are not left with underpowered mobile phones for longer than three minutes. It is your duty, therefore, to keep a supply of Phone Chargers on your person at all times, preferably in holsters or a tool belt. This policy also applies to USB keys and back issues of obscure magazines.

*Note: The company reserves the right to use the Blood for whatever purpose it deems fit. This may included supplementing the workforce by growing new hybrid IT-hack-sales drones in its top-secret tank in the cellar.


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